People view conflict as inevitable where people are gathered. It can be a church, a company, a marriage, a family. Conflict will happen.
I disagree. It is true conflict is an aspect of many companies and churches. It is my opinion, however, that conflict comes into organizations when leaders refuse to take responsibility for dealing with people problems.
Where people are gathered there is the potential for problems. People will disagree, misunderstand, and say things that are best left unsaid. It is up to the leader to handle relational concerns. When concerns are confronted, conflict is reduced.
There are two guiding principles that help in having tough conversations.
Do what you can to maintain peace with others. In the book of Romans Paul, the great leader in the early Christian Movement writes, “Do all you can to live in peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). He doesn’t say you will be able to live at peace, but you do your part.
Be kind, but clear. This is speaking the truth in love. Confrontation can only be effective if you are clear with the situation and kind with how you handle it.
Confrontation is rarely viewed as a favorite act. Leaders, however, who are willing to do the difficult (confrontation), will discover the benefits (healthier relationships and organizations).
In my book, 5 Things Anyone Can Do To Lead Effectively, I share “Eight Steps to Positive Confrontation.”
Recognize the need for discernment: The goal is to have relationships healed, not emotional carnage strewn all around a room
Talk to the right person: People tend to want to talk about, rather than to, someone
Connect in a timely fashion: Timing is critical. It is best to confront people as close to the situation as possible
Get the situation straight: There tends to be three sides to any situation: my side, your side, and the correct side. Work hard at unearthing the correct side
Clarify the issue: Be as specific as you can
Observe what people are saying: People say more than what we hear
Watch your attitude: An angry confrontation will always result in conflict
Hold no grudges: In a healthy organization people should be able to confront one another and have disagreements without harboring grudges or resentments
A mark of leadership is the ability to handle conflict in such a way that it is mutually helpful. This is the beginning of loving confrontation.